If you're like me

If you're like me, you're a bit cynical (and addicted to caffeine, but that's another story). You get a bit cynical in this business because you've seen it all. Vegetarians that eat meat? Check. Pregnant women ordering tequila? Check. Over-pompous men trying to compensate for something they feel is lacking? Check.
If you're lucky, things are not what they seem. If you're unlucky, you're underestimating the situation.
So if you're like me, you really enjoy satire. There's a comfort there, like "although the world may be doomed, we're at least laughing while going down". And that is a comfort, of sorts.
Anyway. Yelpers are everywhere. The concept is not new. What's new is what Yelpers might have sounded like when they first visited the pyramids, all those thousands of years ago. Or what they had to complain about when the great wall of China was built. Satire? Yes, indeed.

Things to get excited about

I'm not inspired at the moment. October is just not giving me "feeling". I thought I'd be all up in arms about autumn and colours and a new fabulous season but I'm not. I'm all like: "brown, burgundy, mustard yellow and olive green for autumn - revolutionary." (read with heavy sarcasm). Maybe it's because it's rained every day since sometime in July, or maybe it's just because I know this is the last possibility of some warm weather before we go in for hibernation.
No. I'm just not that into October.
I'm much more into November. November means gearing up for the festivities of December, and I love suspense and animation. October just seems to me like a big pause in all the fun. While I'm pausing though, I think I'll indulge in a bit of wine scouting. A lot of good things come out of Spain, Portugal and Italy for this time of year. In fact, I think I'm going to indulge in a nice glass of Tawny port, maybe even a vintage Taylor (no, it's not made behind chef's KitchenAid). I'll cosy up with my pungent glass and maybe some of Titti's pralines. That is, if I can sneak the bottle out of Mon Cher's special drawer at home and steal a box of chocolate from under Titti's nose without anyone noticing. Okay, I think I might have solved October. I hereby pronounce October "indulgence month". Throw calorie-counting to the wind (you'll burn it off trotting around town looking for christmas gifts next month) and do heavy cognac-laden stews with game, and lamb. Guzzle lots of warm drinks and eat loads of warm fruit tarts and chocolate pudding. Buy yourself some fluffy down slippers and hey presto - October will be November before you know it!!

Thank you for googling

I have to extend a hand to the deserving: the person who googled "how to run a successful restaurant" and ended up here. Ten times. In the last week. Merci beaucoup, I'm very flattered. Unfortunately I have to advise a certain level of, say, cynicism when reading this, beacuse being a woman I don't mean what I say and I don't say what I mean. Saying here being writing. Black numbers tell me about success, googlings tell me the number of invites to entrepreneurship events to expect in the mail. (You read the disclaimer there, right?)

Anyway. I had a nice satire about the cynical view of society upon women who chose to be chefs and sommeliers (before 50, grey hairs, pot bellies and the onset of matronly) but google just told me I don't need to. I'm a success.

Let's have a talk

Thank you for some inspiring (and some just plain weird) comments on what being a woman in the restaurant business (or any business come to that) is like. Most of you touched on the complicated politics concerning childbearing/rearing and working late nights and long hours - which is not necessarily unique to working in a restaurant. I think managing a career and a family is hard no matter what profession you're in. In these days and times I think this is not just a female problem, either. But that's me, and I was brought up with my dad doing the stay-at-home thing, choosing to give up his career to raise a family.
Anyway, so what do Titti and I really think of being women in the restaurant business? I've come to think of Titti and her husband as two very close friends. We try very hard to see each other outside work, which is a hard thing to accomplish. It's hard because, as Titti said to me the other day: if you're hungry and ambitious, there's always another thing to do. The restaurant business is bloody demanding too, especially if you're running your own restaurant. We work very hard at our respective careers. And here's the crunch point for this post: we're not working hard at our careers because we're women. We didn't choose our careers from a gender perspective either. In fact, if my primary thought about myself was that I am a woman, then I wonder whether I'd get out of bed in the morning. We're both a million things before we're women. I get very upset at having my work efforts, not to mention myself, being reduced to that of a gender issue, and I know Titti feels the same.
So when someone next rings up to ask what one of us feels about being a woman in the restaurant business, you'll know what we're going to reply (with heavy irony of course): "My right ovary didn't want to get up and go to work this morning, but dammit, my personality prevailed."

What are your thoughts?

I was talking to Titti yesterday about being a woman in the restaurant business. See, we get called up about twice a week by journalists asking that exact question. Well, we know what it's like being a woman in the restaurant business. I think the question here is what do YOU think it's like being a woman in the restaurant business? Post in the comments below and I'll tell you our point of view tomorrow.

Why you should never believe what you read in the newspapers

Well well well. Here we go again. I'm about to tell you about a story, printed in a local newspaper, that's wrong. And it's not just a bit wrong, it's way out in space. Probably circling the Hubble telescope. That's how far out in space it is.
Anyway. I'm sure everyone saw the headline in Metro yesterday. Some politicians had gone out to Koefoed in Copenhagen for a five course dinner to discuss some fishery issues (not fishy issues, thank god I re-read and correct my typos). The journalist and his editor seem to have been crapping themselves, because the text is ridiculously scandalous. Why? Because the politicians had a wine menu with their five course dinner. I'm more and more leaning into believing that being a journalist for a free paper is like being the smartest cast member of the Hills. That's very nice, but you've still got no brains and no sense of fashion. Can someone please prove me wrong?
So what was the issue here? Well, this dimwit of a writer had totalled the amount of wine drunk to a staggering sixty units (units as in 2,5 dl glasses, you know the type you get at your local pizzeria where the wine bottles have no labels) for eight people. Sixty glasses of wine!! 7,5 per person!! That's nearly two bottles! They must have been sooooo drunk! O-M-G!! (See what I mean by the smartest cast member of the Hills?)
So here's the lowdown. Koefoed is a very nice restaurant and would never serve any one person nearly two bottles of wine. They, just like us, serve small "tasting glasses" of wine with their multiple-course menus. If we served a full 2,5 dl glass with every course, people WOULD get drunk. And I have NEVER, EVER, heard of anyone who got hammered from drinking a wine menu. The glasses used in fine dining establishments serve 1/4 or 1/2 unit (unit as in 2,5 dl, remember?) measurements. And the order of wine served is unfailingly thus: 1/4 unit Champagne or aperitif wine, 1/4 unit wine with the first course, 1/4 unit wine with the second course, 1/2 unit with the main course (here, possibly a 1/2 unit fill-up), 1/4 unit with fourth course, 1/4 unit with fifth course. So all in all - 2,5 units (about half a bottle) of wine. And when any sommelier is asked for "half glasses" we reduce the amount to about a tablespoonful per glass(making the wine menu total about 1-1,5 glasses) - that's what the Koefoes waiter meant.

So, either this writer could audition for Adam DiVello's next big hit, or cutting down on boozing while writing is a good idea. Or wait - how about actually finding out the facts before spewing nonsense?
This is Sommelier Linnéa, signing out.

Q&A

I sometimes get a bit over-optimistic about how many hours there are in a day. So sometimes I get a bit delayed in answering your questions. Other times I get into traffic accidents and get a bit delayed in answering your questions, but that's another story.

As usual, the questions have been translated by me into the Queen's English.

I've tried to book afternoon tea twice now, and you've been fully booked both times. How far in advance do you have to book? Why don't you do two sittings if it's so popular?
Book at least a couple of days in advance. During November and December, a week in advance might be a good thing. We don't want to do two sittings, because it kind of ruins the relaxed atmosphere we're trying to set up if you're relaxing on a deadline.

I saw your post in Malmöbladet and tried the chardonnay. It was really good, thank you! But I thought you didn't like Systembolaget?
Thank you for those kind words. I'm glad you like the wine! I don't like Systembolaget. I don't like Systembolaget for the same reasons Mattias Kroon doesn't like Systembolaget. But you know what they say, when in Rome, do what the Romans do.

Why are your menus so expensive? Wouldn't it be better to serve cheaper a la carte and seat more people?
Our menus aren't expensive. You pay about 120 kr per dish. We won't become a fast-food bistro because there's already one of those in the park, and I wouldn't be caught dead in there. We love Bloom just as it is, set menu/no menu/excentric and fabulous. And that's how it's going to stay.

I tried sending you an email once to book a table, but I never got a reply. I think that's bad service.
I can't find a question in that comment, but I'll do my best anyway. I'm sorry you didn't get a reply. We're very religious about replying to our emails. We prefer not to take bookings by email for this exact reason, but we usually ring up and take your booking anyway. Maybe your email was binned as spam by our mail server. Stranger things have happened. Quote this reply with your next booking and we'll make sure to take care of you.